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red (réd)>adj. 1. Pertaining to the color of her cheeks when she… - Literati Incorporated
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starbeatsorange
red (réd)>adj. 1. Pertaining to the color of her cheeks when she folded her hands silently across her chest and muted words that she feared she would never have the courage to say. These days she only spoke when she felt empty enough. Otherwise, the thoughts and ideas in their immortality clung to the underside of her brain in small cancerous masses that cluttered her ability to keep herself void. The cleansing of ideas that never really die, but somehow are expelled from the inner workings of her mind created an energy that found its way to the sides of her face. Red as in the color of a blushing girl 2. The passion and fury within the chaos of her core illuminated the entire city red. It was not the apocalypse or the annihilation of something beautiful, but simply the residue of feeling too much at one time. When the doctors asked her why she was destroying herself she told them it was to keep from feeling pain. To keep herself from feeling anything at all. It was the devastation of emotion that forced the wrath and sensation out of her soul and into the street in waves large enough to overturn vehicles and tradition. 3. The ropes dug into her wrists and turned her skin red. Laid out face down and trembling on the railroad tracks she allowed him to place her body there while she waited obediently for the train. He promised that it was nothing crazy but he was speaking in a type of mathematics that she was unable to understand. His pretty face made her feel at ease. Before the train came he slid his hands into her skull and inserted an anxiety more powerful than she could reject. It was that paranoia that led her to accept his wishes where he cracked her open like a fortune cookie where he pulled out his own fortune. He found a redness inside her, dull and rotten and was unable to sew her back up. The wreck was a violent outburst, and she hid her eyes and red cheeks in the weeds while the locomotive ran her over. 4. When she spit into the sink it was red with the blood of a torn esophagus and the corroded throat caused by continuous stomach acid. The bite marks on her finger a pale shade of red, to match the remains of disorder. She tells herself “I am the most worthless and vile being in existence.” Her red cheeks, and red blood shot eyes reflected in the mirror she says “I hope this kills me.” There is a very distinct point throughout the day where she decides that she will not eat anymore. There is nothing else to it. 5. Her lipstick was red. It never came off even on the Camel Light filtered cigarettes she smoked, or the boys and girls that she kissed to make herself feel pretty inside. She dreams of people loving her, but always runs away. She wants to tell him that she is an ellipsis, and will expand past her own skin and bone, and the stigma of every unholy and medical characteristic she has become. At the altar of a temple long ago rotted away with spilled water she kneels on red scarves praying to a laughing anti-Christ. She kisses a crucifix, her red lipstick still perfectly in place.
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Comments
From: null_matrix Date: September 18th, 2006 11:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm going to give the stuff I thought may be problematic in this piece first, than the stuff I thought worked well. This way you'll at least have to skim the "bad" stuff. :)

I

The first section has a very nice 'dictionary' feeling to it, as though a neutral object, (the dictionary) has been cracked open to reveal all of this emotion. It helps to convey the idea of seething, hidden passions. The first section, however, is the only one in the piece that opens in like that and I think that it would set a nice tone, (that of unspoken, hidden desires) if every section opened like that.

Also, I can see the energy in the last section of the piece but there are some parts that confused me;

"she says “I hope this kills me.”" - The acid or the not eating? Was it something else?

"The bite marks on her finger a pale shade of red, to match the remains of disorder" - What disorder? A spiritual, emotional, or physical one? One that exists in her, on her, or around her?

"She wants to tell him that she is an ellipsis, and will expand past her own skin and bone, and the stigma of every unholy and medical characteristic she has become" - This just confused me. Is the narrator trying to tell us that (s)he expands like an ellipsis, or that (s)he has an orbit like an ellipsis? Do ellipsis expand?

There are a few other aspects here that I was snagged on as well, although they have no specific textual reference, they are just thematic elements that I feel deserve addressing.

This piece uses the word 'red' often, which I understand is integral to the piece. However, I feel the proximity of one 'red' to another is often too close. I think a few synonyms would be nice in this piece.

II

"Pertaining to the color of her cheeks when she folded her hands silently across her chest and muted words that she feared she would never have the courage to say"

Very nice. The image of red here conveys some sort of shame, embarrassment, or frustration, (maybe all three) and we can really get a solid image of what's going on and how the narrator feels. Powerful for such economy.

"The passion and fury within the chaos of her core illuminated the entire city red"

Excellent turn of phrase. I really get the vision of power contained inside the narrator, but unchecked and unleashed. The suggestion of illuminating the city red also gives a very subtle impression of how that energy may be being released.

"When the doctors asked her why she was destroying herself she told them it was to keep from feeling pain."

The dead feel no pain, and sometimes it seems like it's worth it. I got a strong impression of the narrators agony and confusion here. Another interpretation may be that causing oneself pain numbs our narrator to the everyday agony of living. Sort of a desensitization self-therapy session. Either way, some good emotion packed into that sentance.

Really, there are more phrases and language nuances than I can go over inside any reasonable amount of time.

To wrap this all together, I think the first two sections are potent and tightly expressed. The third is where this piece starts to loosen up. However, the energy and solid use of language persist throughout the piece and I took a lot of it away with me. All the images and emotions here are delivered directly to the reader in small packages. Well done. :)
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